I remember the day we found out that I was pregnant. We went to buy a pregnancy test on a whim because I was having cravings, I had been incredibly snappy (or 'fiery' as Kasey calls it) lately, and I found myself more tired than normal. Oh, and I was late. But the being late wasn't anything abnormal and it was only a few days so we weren't too convinced. In fact, after the first test came back positive, I still wasn't convinced. I took one pregnancy test a day for the next three days, just to make sure.
Two short weeks after we found out, the morning sickness kicked in. However, I wasn't just nauseous in the morning, but rather from the time I sat up in bed until about six o'clock every evening. And that's when it began. This longing for the future welled up inside of me. At first, I couldn't wait for the first trimester to be over. I counted down the days until I reached the thirteen-week mark. But it didn't end there. In fact, it grew from there. When I arrived at the second trimester, I was relived. The nausea was subsiding and I was slowing gaining my energy back a little more each day. When I found myself with a little bump, I couldn't wait for a bigger one. When one doctor's appointment was over, I was counting down the days until the next one. I often found myself wishing that my whole pregnancy was over and this little bundle inside of me was here already.
The day that I was admitted to the hospital, everything changed. Suddenly, I found myself wishing that everything would slow down. I wanted to be pregnant for another eighteen long weeks. I wanted to have a huge belly in the middle of a hot Virginia summer. In fact, I found myself wishing that I would be put on bed rest for the next eighteen weeks. I wanted all of this because it meant that my baby would be okay.
When Judah was born at 1:14 pm on April 12th, and his fragile, 15.9 ounce self was laid on my chest, my world was turned upside down. I wanted so badly for time to stand still. I wanted to soak up every single moment with him that I could. I wanted to take it all in. I wanted to hold on and not let go. I didn't want that moment to come when the nurse would look at me with tears in her eyes and nod, letting me know that his heart had stopped. I didn't want that time to come when I would have to give his lifeless body one last kiss and say my final goodbye, but it came.
Looking back, I realize that I was always wishing that I was one step, sometimes four or five steps, ahead of where I actually was. Part of this was pure excitement and joy for the future and what was to come. However, looking back, a part of it was sin. It was discontentment. I didn't like being tired all the time. I really didn't like the morning sickness. And I hated gaining weight in unwanted places. There I was for the past five months, selfishly wishing my pregnancy away and it was gone way too soon. Looking back, I was rarely happy with the here and now.
Kasey and I have spent the past three months without a job or home (more on that later) and leading up to Judah's birth, we were both in a hurry to check those things off of our 'to do' list. When Judah was born, we saw things from a different perspective, God's perspective. He knew what was to come. He knew how much harder it would have been to deal with juggling a full time job in the midst of tragedy. He knew the extra pain it would have caused to go home by ourselves, empty handed, to a room all made up for a baby that we no longer had. He knew that we would need the next few weeks to be with our friends and family.
Over the past six weeks, the Lord has been teaching me to slow down and embrace the 'here and now,' wherever I am. Right now, that means embracing a time when we are both unemployed and mostly living with our parents. It means praising Him for this period of rest that He's blessed us with and stopping to enjoy it because all too soon the craziness of life will kick back in and we'll be on the go again. It means thanking Him for time spent with family because we normally only get to visit a couple of times a year due to distance and work schedules. It's so hard being patient and content when you are waiting on the Lord, but I'm learning all over again that it is so worth it. He knows exactly what we need and exactly when we need it. He doesn't take us through trials or difficult circumstances to frustrate us and make us angry. He does it because that's whats best for us. If you have a personal relationship with Him, He uses each and every trial and circumstance to prepare us for our future; to grow our faith in Him; and to make us more like Himself. He is constantly sanctifying us more and more each and every day.
So, if you are single, don't wish it away. Enjoy your days with your friends and spend more of your alone time with the Lord. If you are married and trying to have children, treasure the one-on-one time that you have with your spouse while you wait. Once you have a child, it will never be just the two of you ever again. If you are pregnant, praise God for the morning sickness, the exhaustion, and weight gain. Enjoy the moments when you feel your baby kicking or you have the priveledge of hearing its tiny heart beat. If you are blessed with children, treasure every moment you have with them. Enjoy each stage of life as you watch them grow. Embrace the good days and the hard ones because you'll never get any of those days of their lives back again. If you have a home and a job, be grateful to God for it and take advantage of the opportunities He has given you to be a light to those around you. Slow down and embrace the here and now. Stop wishing away this stage in your life and start asking the Lord what He's teaching you through it. Train yourself to bring Him praise on the mountain tops and praise in the trenches of this life. Slow down enough to watch His grace work in and through you. Give Him thanks every single day for the here and now that He has blessed you with because He's using it for your good and His glory!
Clinging to this hope today:
James 1:2 - 4
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
Soli Deo Gloria,
Katie
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