7. my first mother's day

April 12, 2013

Yesterday, May 12, 2013 was my first Mother's Day as a momma. It was not the 'first' Mother's Day that I had always pictured, nor was it as I had planned. There was something missing...my baby boy. I didn't get to celebrate my first Mother's Day as most mommas do. My arms didn't get to hold and cuddle my sweet son. I didn't get to capture the day with a 'Mother's Day picture.' I didn't get to take him to church with me and pass him around for everyone to love on. And he didn't come to lunch with our family as we celebrated his Mima and his Momma.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have experienced since we lost our little boy. Not only was it Mother's Day, but it marked one month since his birthday and the day of his death. It marked one month of not having him in our arms. It marked one month of not feeling his tiny little feet kick around inside of me. It marked one month of not hearing that treasured sound of his strong heart beating. It marked one month of the most joyous day and the most heart-breaking day we have ever experienced.

As I was in church yesterday, worshiping God and praising Him for the precious life He blessed us with, I couldn't help but smile as I thought about our sweet Judah Blaze. For him, yesterday marked one month of being in the presence of his Creator. Oh, how glorious his day must have been!

Yesterday didn't go as I  had pictured it would when we found out we were expecting our first baby, but it went exactly as God had planned it. In fact, before I was even conceived, God planned and purposed that I would be born to amazing Christian parents, grow up in small town in Pennsylvania as a pastor's daughter, head off to a large university, meet an incredibly good looking and godly man, fall head-over-heals in love, get married, and have my first little boy at 21 weeks and 5 days, live for 1 hour and 41 minutes, and then leave this world as I held him in my arms. God orchestrated every single detail of this! It's hard to fathom that with the billions of people in this word, God predestined this plan and caused all of it to happen perfectly according to His will  for my life, but He did. 

As I reflect back over the the past month of our lives and even my pregnancy with Judah, I find such comfort in why God purposed for this to happen to us. It's all for His glory and our good! God is glorified in our good days and in our bad days. He is glorified in our rejoicing and He is glorified in our pain. Our faith and trust in Him has grown with leaps and bounds in the past month. God is constantly using this to conform us to the image of Christ. We have had the opportunity to share our testimony of God's grace and mercy in our lives with so many people that we would never have come in contact with if we had lost our precious son. Through Judah's story, God's grace has been shared with people from California to New Hampshire (and that's just that we are aware of). And to think that it has only been one month. 

One month ago yesterday, we were given a gift from the Lord that forever changed us. What an honor to be the recipient of such a gift from our Creator! What an honor to be given a son whose short life and death brings more honor and glory to God than a life of 100 years on this earth ever could have! God chose us to be Judah's parents before the foundations of the world and for that, we are blessed, humbled, and forever grateful! 


Clinging to this hope today:

 Romans 8:26-30

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew, he also predestined, to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called, he also justified, and those whom he justified, he also glorified." 

Soli Deo Gloria,

Katie