13. when you're supposed to be having a baby, but you're not

Sunday marks my original due date with Judah.

Monday marked 4 months since he blessed us with his presence and then went home to be with his Savior. This week has been a difficult one to say the least - full of many tears, times of being completely broken before the Lord and falling on my face, crying out to Him. It's been humbling, overwhelming, heart-breaking, and full of feelings of emptiness. 

As August 18th has quickly been approaching, I have found myself missing my sweet baby boy more and more. Often it hits me when I'm out running errands and I see a women who is 8-9 months pregnant. She's walking through a store with that beautiful glow and she appears to not have a care in the world. It's times like these that I can't help but think to myself, "that should be me," but it's not.

So what do you do when you're supposed to be having a baby, but you're not?

Maybe, you had a miscarriage, maybe you had to deliver early and lost your little one, or maybe you can't have kids at all. What are we to do?

There are four things that have been getting me through this week and will continue to get me through the next couple of days, months, and even years as I grieve over the loss of Judah.

1. Cling to the Lord
 Psalms 147: 3-5 says: 

3 He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.

4 He determines the number of the stars;

he gives to all of them their names.

5 Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;

his understanding is beyond measure.

This is TRUTH! This isn't just a statement that the psalmist carelessly made. The Lord is the only one who can and will heal the brokenhearted and bind up our wounds. He knows the number of stars in the sky and He has named all of them. He is so great and so abundant in power that we cannot understand all of His ways. He alone has the power to heal our broken hearts.

2. Trust in His Sovereignty
I recently read Elisabeth Elliot's book, A Path through Suffering. In it, she speaks of God's sovereignty.

"If I am going to trust God for my future then I must trust His sovereignty over my past. He could have prevented it. He allowed it to happen. He makes no mistakes. He hath done all things well.

To consider the life of Joseph makes it impossible to complain about the 'injustices' in our lives. Human injustice is a mere chisel in the hand of God. The instrument may seem sharp and cruel but the Sculptor is the epitome of kindness and love."

It is the most freeing thing when you come to a place of acknowledging that God's sovereign and perfect will for your life is right where you are at this very moment. I love that Elliot mentions the fact that God could have prevented this suffering from happening, but He did not. In fact, He allowed and even caused it to happen. And the best part is that He makes no mistakes. His will for your life and mine is perfect and nothing happens apart from Him. We only experience the suffering that He, himself, gives to us. It comes directly from His hands.

3. Saturate your heart and mind with His Word
 I love Psalms 1:1-4.

1 Blessed is the man

who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners,

nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree

planted by streams of water

that yields its fruit in its season,

and its leaf does not wither.

In all that he does, he prospers.

4 The wicked are not so,

but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Blessed is the man who delights in God's precious and holy Word and meditates on it day and night. He is like a tree planted by steams of water. What wisdom this scripture holds! When we saturate our minds with the truth of His Word, we are planted firm, like a tree.
It's so easy to be shaken in the fallen world that we live in. It's easy for me to see the pregnant woman in the store and think about what could have been and what should have been. However, if I'm saturating my mind with Truth instead of these toxic thoughts, I will be able to stand firm and not be shaken. There will still be times of hurt and pain, but by meditating on God's Word it will cause me to remember His promises and His sovereignty over my life and my circumstance.

4. Rejoice in the Lord
In Paul's letter to the Philippians, we find the following:

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

There are two glorious truths in this passage I want to focus on.

First, God commands us to rejoice in Him always! In fact, it's so important, that Paul repeats himself. God calls us and commands us to rejoice in Him always, period. There are no ifs, ands, or buts, found in that passage. Always means all.the.time. This means even in our suffering, we are commanded to rejoice in the Lord.

Second, Paul mentions that he learned how to be content in whatever situation he was in. This did not happen over night and He did not learn it apart from suffering. But there was a secret to it. Paul learned the secret of being content in every and any circumstance was complete and utter dependence upon God.

I love this passage because it captures all four of the things mentioned above. Paul speaks of the importance of rejoicing in the Lord always; thinking about things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise (like saturating your heart and mind with God's Word); learning to be content and the result of trusting in His sovereignty (the peace of God which surpasses all understanding); and clinging to the Lord through suffering by completely depending upon Him.

I pray, that regardless of your circumstances and whether you're grieving the loss of a baby or just a loved one in general, that you will cling to the Lord, trusting in His sovereignty, saturating your heart and mind with His Word, and ultimately be able to come to a place of rejoicing in Him.

Please pray for me and my family this weekend as we remember the life of Judah Blaze. Pray that through this time, God is brought glory and honor.

By His grace,
Katie