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16. “Where Do We Begin, The Rubble Or Our Sins?”

2013...

In 2013, many of us experienced uncontrollable loss and heartache which inevitably spiraled its way into, what felt like, spiritual and emotional ruin. For some of us, we were the captains of our own misery – willfully destroying relationships and hurting loved ones on our path to self-gratification. In either case, 2013 left us feeling as though the walls of our inner-being were crumbling, leaving us devastated and vulnerable. We've been left shaking our heads and asking “what are we to do in 2014?”

Pompeii...

Bastille is an alternative rock band from Great Britain that released a hit single in February of 2013 called “Pompeii” (which you're most likely familiar with, as it has topped the charts in Britain, Italy, and America). The inspiration for this chart-topping song was the ancient Roman city of Pompeii.This ancient city, which was home to approximately 20,000 people at the time of its demise, was destroyed in 79 AD as “Grey clouds roll over the hills bringing darkness from above” in the volcanic eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. Bastille's song, which is enamored with powerful spiritual allegory, asks the question “where do we begin, the rubble or our sins?” For many of us, we don't know where to begin this new year – the rubble of our broken hearts or the ugly reality of our personal sin?

Ancient Truth For a New Year...

In 2014, the starting place for all of us is the gospel of Jesus Christ. Here, we are confronted with the actuality of humanity’s predisposed condition to commit willful acts of treason against the sovereign God of the universe - sin. Following Adam and Eve's disobedience in the garden of Eden, rebellion against God spread to the entire human race. Humanity was plagued with a sinful nature that has caused you and I to willfully hate God (Romans 5:12, 3:11-18). Because of our hatred toward God, which daily manifests itself in our lives as disobedience, rebellion, and irreverence, we have become enemies of God. As enemies, you and I deserve the just penalty for our treason which is the severe wrath of God. This is a dreadful disposition, as the Bible describes the wrath of God in the following way; “In flaming fire, inflicting vengeance on those who do not know God and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might” (2 Thessalonians 1:8-9). Flaming fire, vengeance, punishment, and eternal destruction are all terrifying descriptions. However, God, in an act of great mercy, chose to execute his wrath on his perfect and completely obedient son, Jesus Christ. John Calvin called this “the penal, substitutionary atonement of Jesus Christ”, meaning Jesus Christ, who was innocent, stood in the place of guilty sinners like you and I and withstood the wrath of God that we rightfully deserved to experience. This substitutionary work was accomplished on Calvary, where Jesus Christ was crucified on behalf of those he came to save from God's wrath. He was executed, buried, and then resurrected from the dead three days later. According to the Bible, anyone, who by faith, repents of their sin and believes Jesus Christ died and suffered under the wrath of God in their place, is justified by God and is no longer considered an enemy, but a child of God. As for those who do not believe and act upon these truths, their fate is the eternal wrath of God – “Grey clouds roll over the hills bringing darkness from above” (2 Thessalonians1:8). But for the one who embraces these truths, they can embark upon a new year with the joy of new life and the hope of a secure future in Christ.

For those of us who experienced suffering and loss this past year, we can take hope in the promise that God is working all things (especially our loss and suffering) for our good and his glory (Romans 8:28-30). We have this promise because of what Christ accomplished on the cross for us, suffering under God's wrath in our place and giving us his very own righteousness. Instead of beginning the new year in confusion and disarray, we should embrace the gospel and trust in God's sovereign purpose in using our circumstances to shape and mold us into the image of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Soli Deo Gloria,

Kasey 

15. a letter to my husband

Kasey,

Every morning, your alarm goes off at 4:30 am. You usually hit the snooze button one or twice and then struggle to get out of bed. You walk the dogs, make some coffee, grab a cereal bar and your lunch, kiss me goodbye, and head off to work before there is any sign of light in the sky.

Your day consists of a heck of a lot of hard labor and a work environment that most people would turn up their nose to. You work long, tiring hours and you make very little. Everyday, I think you gain a new cut, scratch, or bruise. You come home in a state of exhaustion and you work some more. You cut the grass, you take out the trash, you stack firewood, you write a lesson, you meet someone for coffee, you attend a meeting, you teach a Bible study. You listen to my heart and my struggles and give counsel, you help me with my never ending lists of projects, you hear me complain and watch me fall short everyday. You try to stay awake for the little time that you have with me each evening, but its a constant struggle because of the physical labor that you've done since 5:30 that morning.

And everyday, you are full of grace and joy.

You are constantly re-evaluating your methods, your motives, and your actions to guard against the pride that comes before the fall. I watch daily, as you strive for holiness. Your passion for the Lord and the Gospel shine through in every faucet of your life. You serve others wholeheartedly. You stand for the Truth even when you have to stand alone. And I love how excited you get when you get to share with others about Christ's mercy for sinners like us. You live your life unabashedly for our Lord and it's such a blessing and a joy to be the woman that get's to walk beside you and soak it all in.

When we said our vows a little over two years ago, I promised to follow you as you follow Christ. At times, we've ran hand-in-hand straight into the fire. Those are the times that God used to draw us closer together as a couple, to refine us, and to make us more like Him. There have been times of refreshing when we've walked by still waters. He led you, as I followed, into places where we were able to just soak up His blessings and His grace and to rest fully in the comfort of His arms. We've also experienced the season of death when we both lost a little boy that carried a big piece of our hearts with him to meet his Creator. God used this season, and continues to use it, to show us just how sustaining His grace really is. He has graciously allowed us to experience His peace, His sovereignty, His grace, His mercy, His perfection, His joy and His holiness in a whole new way, through our suffering.

October 2008

As I have followed you, as you have followed Christ, God has stirred up in me, a respect and appreciation for you as my husband and my best friend. I'm so grateful for the hardworking, grace-giving, faithful husband that you are! You sacrifice every day to provide for us and to serve Christ and the Church. I'm so blessed by your heart for the Lord and your passion for the Gospel. You have exceeded every expectation I had of what I wanted in a godly husband and your continued faithfulness to the Truth causes me to strive to be a better wife for you every day. I look up to you. Thank you for your hard work and the sacrifices that you make for 'us' each and every day. I'm humbled and honored that God chose me to be your wife and your best friend. I love this life that God has given us and I can't imagine doing it with anyone else.

I love you, Kase!

Forever and always,
Katie
xoxoxox

14. In memory of Judah Blaze Horvath

In memory of our sweet baby boy, I wanted to share the letter that Kasey and I wrote and read at Judah's funeral service.

Our sweet baby boy,

In naming you Judah we desired to honor our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Your namesake is a reference to the lineage of Christ and we believe that your legacy will forever bring glory to His great name. Choosing to name you Blaze rightfully captured the nature of your time spent in our arms here on earth. You did not come into this world as a smoldering wick or slight spark, but instead you existed as a blazing fire; consuming our emotions, affections, and love.

As we wait for the perfect to be revealed, we are restricted by dim vision in this momentary life. We do not fully know why God chose to only give you to us for such a short time, but even in our limited understanding we do know this:

Son, you have been a tool in the hand of your creator and an instrument of instruction to your parents. God, in his sovereign and predetermined will, chose to shape and mold your momma and daddy, through your life, long before the foundations of the world were ever laid.

Judah, it is your life that has heightened our understanding of the cross. As we beheld the precious face of our one and only son, we realized that we could never do anything to harm or hurt you. However, as we consider the cross, we realize that God, in his great mercy, was pleased to crush his one and only son, as justice and payment for sins committed by rebellious people. This reality, of God’s love for sinners, like your momma and daddy, has wrecked us anew and ruined us both afresh. We stand amazed at the suffering of Christ on our behalf.

Your life has also brightened our understanding of unconditional love. Even before you were born, your momma and daddy loved you for who you were– you had not done anything good or bad, wrong our right –  our love for you was truly unmerited, you existed and we loved you.  Yet, however pure or untainted this love seems, we know that it is imperfect, because we ourselves are imperfect, having been tainted by sin. Our love is deficient, compared to God’s unconditional and unmerited love. Understanding our flawed expressions of love, in light of God’s perfect love, has caused us to cherish and prize his unmerited love – Grace.

Judah, you have stirred in our hearts a greater desire for the return of our Lord – it is your life that causes us to emphatically say “come Lord Jesus come” and deliver us from this present world of sin, sorrow, and suffering.  We long for the second appearing of our Savior and King, Jesus Christ.  We earnestly wait for the day when creation will be fully redeemed and restored—when Satan and all of our Lord’s foes will be dealt their final blows. Even more than this, we long to be eternally in the physical presence of our God.

These are just some of the things that God has already taught us through your precious life. We know there is more to learn and more to come – God is not finished forming us through your life just yet.

Our sweet, sweet boy we love you so very much and thank God that he chose to give you to us. Judah Blaze, you will forever be fixed in our hearts consuming our love and affection.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

By His Grace,

13. when you're supposed to be having a baby, but you're not

Sunday marks my original due date with Judah.

Monday marked 4 months since he blessed us with his presence and then went home to be with his Savior. This week has been a difficult one to say the least - full of many tears, times of being completely broken before the Lord and falling on my face, crying out to Him. It's been humbling, overwhelming, heart-breaking, and full of feelings of emptiness. 

As August 18th has quickly been approaching, I have found myself missing my sweet baby boy more and more. Often it hits me when I'm out running errands and I see a women who is 8-9 months pregnant. She's walking through a store with that beautiful glow and she appears to not have a care in the world. It's times like these that I can't help but think to myself, "that should be me," but it's not.

So what do you do when you're supposed to be having a baby, but you're not?

Maybe, you had a miscarriage, maybe you had to deliver early and lost your little one, or maybe you can't have kids at all. What are we to do?

There are four things that have been getting me through this week and will continue to get me through the next couple of days, months, and even years as I grieve over the loss of Judah.

1. Cling to the Lord
 Psalms 147: 3-5 says: 

3 He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.

4 He determines the number of the stars;

he gives to all of them their names.

5 Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;

his understanding is beyond measure.

This is TRUTH! This isn't just a statement that the psalmist carelessly made. The Lord is the only one who can and will heal the brokenhearted and bind up our wounds. He knows the number of stars in the sky and He has named all of them. He is so great and so abundant in power that we cannot understand all of His ways. He alone has the power to heal our broken hearts.

2. Trust in His Sovereignty
I recently read Elisabeth Elliot's book, A Path through Suffering. In it, she speaks of God's sovereignty.

"If I am going to trust God for my future then I must trust His sovereignty over my past. He could have prevented it. He allowed it to happen. He makes no mistakes. He hath done all things well.

To consider the life of Joseph makes it impossible to complain about the 'injustices' in our lives. Human injustice is a mere chisel in the hand of God. The instrument may seem sharp and cruel but the Sculptor is the epitome of kindness and love."

It is the most freeing thing when you come to a place of acknowledging that God's sovereign and perfect will for your life is right where you are at this very moment. I love that Elliot mentions the fact that God could have prevented this suffering from happening, but He did not. In fact, He allowed and even caused it to happen. And the best part is that He makes no mistakes. His will for your life and mine is perfect and nothing happens apart from Him. We only experience the suffering that He, himself, gives to us. It comes directly from His hands.

3. Saturate your heart and mind with His Word
 I love Psalms 1:1-4.

1 Blessed is the man

who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners,

nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree

planted by streams of water

that yields its fruit in its season,

and its leaf does not wither.

In all that he does, he prospers.

4 The wicked are not so,

but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Blessed is the man who delights in God's precious and holy Word and meditates on it day and night. He is like a tree planted by steams of water. What wisdom this scripture holds! When we saturate our minds with the truth of His Word, we are planted firm, like a tree.
It's so easy to be shaken in the fallen world that we live in. It's easy for me to see the pregnant woman in the store and think about what could have been and what should have been. However, if I'm saturating my mind with Truth instead of these toxic thoughts, I will be able to stand firm and not be shaken. There will still be times of hurt and pain, but by meditating on God's Word it will cause me to remember His promises and His sovereignty over my life and my circumstance.

4. Rejoice in the Lord
In Paul's letter to the Philippians, we find the following:

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

There are two glorious truths in this passage I want to focus on.

First, God commands us to rejoice in Him always! In fact, it's so important, that Paul repeats himself. God calls us and commands us to rejoice in Him always, period. There are no ifs, ands, or buts, found in that passage. Always means all.the.time. This means even in our suffering, we are commanded to rejoice in the Lord.

Second, Paul mentions that he learned how to be content in whatever situation he was in. This did not happen over night and He did not learn it apart from suffering. But there was a secret to it. Paul learned the secret of being content in every and any circumstance was complete and utter dependence upon God.

I love this passage because it captures all four of the things mentioned above. Paul speaks of the importance of rejoicing in the Lord always; thinking about things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise (like saturating your heart and mind with God's Word); learning to be content and the result of trusting in His sovereignty (the peace of God which surpasses all understanding); and clinging to the Lord through suffering by completely depending upon Him.

I pray, that regardless of your circumstances and whether you're grieving the loss of a baby or just a loved one in general, that you will cling to the Lord, trusting in His sovereignty, saturating your heart and mind with His Word, and ultimately be able to come to a place of rejoicing in Him.

Please pray for me and my family this weekend as we remember the life of Judah Blaze. Pray that through this time, God is brought glory and honor.

By His grace,
Katie

12. happy one month to us!

                  

Today, we've been Pennsylvanian's and more specifically Lebanonites (is that even a word?) for one month already and oh how the time has flown by!

I wanted to do a little post to commemorate our first month here in PA. So here's a quick recap. I hope you enjoy! 

1. GraceLife Church

GraceLife Church

Might as well start with the whole reason we moved to PA in the first place, right? Well, after much prayer and a few visits to PA, Kasey accepted a position at GraceLife Church as the Director of Student Ministries. What an honor it's been to serve here over the past month. We absolutely love our church family and have had the pleasure of getting to know many families within the church in the short time that we've been here already. Everyone here has been so welcoming and we truly have been overwhelmed by God's grace and goodness through this. There are still many families that we haven't had the opportunity to connect with yet, but we are looking forward to more dinners and coffee dates in the months ahead. :) We are soo incredibly excited about our future here and we cannot wait to see how the Lord is going to use this for our good and His glory!

2. Our home. 

(No pictures of the inside yet - it's still a work in progress and I'm a bit of a perfectionist so you'll be lucky if you see any, any time soon.) What a tremendous blessing it's been to make this house into a home. After living in a fifth-wheel (RV) for 6 1/2 months and then staying with friends and family

for 5 months, we were soo beyond ready to settle down in a place of our own. The Lord used that time to teach us that His timing is perfect and we're so thankful for that. And so we have the privilege of renting from a really sweet family who is on the mission field for a year! It's truly amazing to see how God orchestrates every detail of our lives. We couldn't have picked a better renting/living situation if we tried. 

3. Country Livin'
Technically we live in the 'city' of Lebanon, but to get anywhere, we have to drive through the beautiful (and sometimes adventourous) countryside. 

We've been soaking up this grand view of God's incredible creation (and no it's not been 'instagramed') as much as we can when we drive outside of Lebanon in the evenings.
It really makes us stop and ponder how great our God truly is that He would create something so magnificent and allow us to take in the beauty of it.

Although the drive is often beautiful, it sometimes becomes adventurous when our GPS leads us to a dirt road in the middle of a corn field and instructs us to "turn right, now."

Yes, this really happened. And if we had turned right, it would have led us to our destination, but I knew that when the hubby got nervous just driving on a gravel road to get here, there ain't no way he was going down a dirt road through a cornfield! So we turned around and did a little rerouting to get to where we were going. 

Not only has it been adventurous at times, it's also been interesting. I found the sign below along the road one day on my way home from Target. Driving by, I could only read the part that said, 'Yard Sale,' but when I pulled over, I just had to snap a pic because no one would believe me otherwise. 

 4. The Lebanon Area Fair
I probably could have (should have) squeezed this in under 'Country Livin,' but it really deserves a section all of its own. 

This week Kasey and I (more times I than he) have had the opportunity (almost said privilege but that's not the right word at all) of going to the Lebanon Area Fair. 

Although I grew up in PA (in the country) I haven't been to the fair since I was just a little girl, so I really don't remember anything from it other than my daddy winning a goldfish for me to take home. Kasey, on the other hand, has frequented the New Jersey State fair, but apparently it's nothing like the Lebanon one. (smirk)

I could talk about our experiences all day but I thought some pictures might just be the way to go. However, I do want to leave you with this, 'You always have to be watchin out for yourself because there are farm animals everywhere and getting run over by a pig, is not out of the question.' 

We are headed back to the fair tonight for dinner and again on Saturday for the grand Demolition Derby (bring on the adventure!), so there may be a follow up post, but we'll see just how adventurous it gets. 

By His Grace,
Katie

11. Judah's story

A few weeks ago, Kasey and I had the opportunity to share our testimony with our new church family. In preparation, we put together, a brief but somewhat detailed story of how Judah graced us with his presence and forever changed our lives. Many of you know the story, as we've had the privilege to share it often, but for those of you who don't I wanted to share it with you.


My hope and prayer is that God would be glorified - that His grace and mercy would shine through Judah's story and ultimately that it would cause others to turn to Him.  

Judah's Story

In December of 2012, we found out that I was pregnant. As you can imagine, we were ecstatic. My ambition to be a wife and a momma was soon to become a complete reality. I spent the first trimester on the road and it was not the piece of cake that I thought it would be, to say the least. But, nonetheless, I was thrilled that God had chosen to give us the blessing of a baby.

This picture was taken on Sunday, April 7, 2013.

I had an appointment on April 11^th to find out the gender of the sweet life growing inside of me.  I woke up that morning with lots of bleeding and immediately knew that something was very wrong. As we rushed to the doctor’s office, we called our family and asked them to pray for the baby and for whatever we would be facing in the hours to come. After a quick examination, my doctor informed me that I was in the middle of having a miscarriage and needed to go straight to the hospital.

Once at the hospital, the doctor on call did another examination and confirmed our worst fears – I would more than likely deliver our baby within the next 24 hours. At only 21 ½ weeks, its lungs were not yet developed and it had no chance of survival.

Later that day, we learned that we were having a little boy. He was perfectly healthy, but due to medical complications, my body could no longer carry him. I was on complete bed-rest for the next 24 hours. I remember laying there in the hospital bed, praising God for His sovereignty in the midst of our unknown. And it was laying there thinking about how great our God is that caused me to say, ‘God, if you only allow us to have our son in our arms for a few short minutes, then I will praise You. And if you allow us to walk out of this hospital with him in our arms, I will praise You all the more.’ God had truly overwhelmed me with His peace and it was only by His grace that I was able to praise Him throughout that time.

The next morning, by God’s providence, my doctor was on call at the hospital. She came in to speak with us and informed us that, for medical reasons, I needed to deliver the baby that day. She gave us some time with our family to process everything and prepare for what was ahead. My prayer through all of this, was that God would just give me the strength that I needed to do what had to be done. As a mom, there is nothing more heart-wrenching than knowing that by giving birth to your baby, it’s going to take his life. But there’s also nothing more comforting than knowing that ultimately, his life was in God’s hands. Not only had He ordained the time of his birth, but He also ordained, the time of his death.

Judah Blaze Horvath was born on April 12^th, 2013 at 1:14 pm and passed away in my arms at 2:55 pm. God had blessed us with a perfect baby boy and taken him away from us, all in the same day. There has never been time that Kasey and I have felt so much joy and so much pain all at the same time. God had brought us to knees and completely broken us, all the while, pouring out His grace upon us, all for His glory.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 reads as follows,

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

On April 12^th of this year, these verses became real to us in a way that they never had before. Since that day, the Lord showed us that His grace is sufficient for us and His power is made perfect in our weakness. And because of that, we can not only boast of our weakness, but we can learn how to be content in the midst of our hardships so that the power of Christ may rest upon us and He can be glorified in us.

By His Grace,
Katie