7. my first mother's day

April 12, 2013

Yesterday, May 12, 2013 was my first Mother's Day as a momma. It was not the 'first' Mother's Day that I had always pictured, nor was it as I had planned. There was something missing...my baby boy. I didn't get to celebrate my first Mother's Day as most mommas do. My arms didn't get to hold and cuddle my sweet son. I didn't get to capture the day with a 'Mother's Day picture.' I didn't get to take him to church with me and pass him around for everyone to love on. And he didn't come to lunch with our family as we celebrated his Mima and his Momma.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have experienced since we lost our little boy. Not only was it Mother's Day, but it marked one month since his birthday and the day of his death. It marked one month of not having him in our arms. It marked one month of not feeling his tiny little feet kick around inside of me. It marked one month of not hearing that treasured sound of his strong heart beating. It marked one month of the most joyous day and the most heart-breaking day we have ever experienced.

As I was in church yesterday, worshiping God and praising Him for the precious life He blessed us with, I couldn't help but smile as I thought about our sweet Judah Blaze. For him, yesterday marked one month of being in the presence of his Creator. Oh, how glorious his day must have been!

Yesterday didn't go as I  had pictured it would when we found out we were expecting our first baby, but it went exactly as God had planned it. In fact, before I was even conceived, God planned and purposed that I would be born to amazing Christian parents, grow up in small town in Pennsylvania as a pastor's daughter, head off to a large university, meet an incredibly good looking and godly man, fall head-over-heals in love, get married, and have my first little boy at 21 weeks and 5 days, live for 1 hour and 41 minutes, and then leave this world as I held him in my arms. God orchestrated every single detail of this! It's hard to fathom that with the billions of people in this word, God predestined this plan and caused all of it to happen perfectly according to His will  for my life, but He did. 

As I reflect back over the the past month of our lives and even my pregnancy with Judah, I find such comfort in why God purposed for this to happen to us. It's all for His glory and our good! God is glorified in our good days and in our bad days. He is glorified in our rejoicing and He is glorified in our pain. Our faith and trust in Him has grown with leaps and bounds in the past month. God is constantly using this to conform us to the image of Christ. We have had the opportunity to share our testimony of God's grace and mercy in our lives with so many people that we would never have come in contact with if we had lost our precious son. Through Judah's story, God's grace has been shared with people from California to New Hampshire (and that's just that we are aware of). And to think that it has only been one month. 

One month ago yesterday, we were given a gift from the Lord that forever changed us. What an honor to be the recipient of such a gift from our Creator! What an honor to be given a son whose short life and death brings more honor and glory to God than a life of 100 years on this earth ever could have! God chose us to be Judah's parents before the foundations of the world and for that, we are blessed, humbled, and forever grateful! 


Clinging to this hope today:

 Romans 8:26-30

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew, he also predestined, to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called, he also justified, and those whom he justified, he also glorified." 

Soli Deo Gloria,

Katie 

6. vacare deo

vacare deo: to make oneself empty for God.

and this is what i'm practing this week.

meditating on His holy and precious Word. the Truth.

emptying myself of that which does not honor & glorify Him. because isn't that what this life is all about? is that not the reason that He created us?

"Worthy are you, our Lord and God,
       to receive the glory and honor and power,
  for you created all things,
      and by your will they existed and were created."
                     -Revelation 4:11-

and how can i possibly have a mindset of worshiping Him if i am not emptied of the things that distract me from Him?

5 - love

it five o'clock. i call him and let him know that i'm on my way home. he says he can't wait to see me. he says that he loves me. i hang up the phone and i can't help but to give Him thanks. thanks for this job. thanks for this car. thanks for this traffic that keeps me in His perfect timing. and thanks for him.

he greets me in the kitchen with his is dimpled smile that caught my eye from day one. "dinner's almost ready" he tells me as i look around and see the table set for two. the sink that i left full of dishes is empty. the floors have been vacuumed. the bed has been made. the dogs have been walked. and i fall into the comfort of his arms. the same ones that worked hard all day to tidy up the house. and he knows that this is just the way i like it.

amid the long days of work, the late nights filled with job applications, Bible study preparations, and school work, he keeps his promise from that day. his promise to love me. to cherish me. to lead me. to provide for me. and to protect me. he's faithful. he's giving. he's selfless, everyday.

it's early in the morning and the moonlight is peeking through the crack in the blinds. i lay there and just watch him sleep. i take it all in. these gifts that He has given. this quaint apartment that has just enough room for the two of us. the pantry full with food. the piano that brings me to worship Him. that sewing machine from my grandma. the picture on the dresser from that extraordinary day. those two sweet puppies all tucked away in their bed. this man that works hard and loves hard. this life that i don't deserve. i lay there and praise Him. i praise the One who made it all. and gave it all.

and this is love. selfless. sacrificial. constant. everyday he lives out this love in our covenant relationship. he looks to the One who brought us together. for guidance. for strength. for wisdom. for everything. because that's the only way. because He's the only way.

this love is not perfect. because he's not perfect and i'm not perfect. the only perfect love comes from above. this love is unconditional. the ultimate sacrifice of One's life for another. this love is bigger than our love. this love is bigger than us. and I praise Him. for His perfect work on the cross that saved us. for the ultimate sacrifice of His death so that we might have life. for His unconditional love. for His perfect plan.

i praise Him for this simple everyday picture of His love that He has given me through him.

4 - update

i'm back and super excited about my blog! i gave it a new look, a new picture, and since i got a new (last)name, i thought i would give it one too. (: God has been doing so many exciting things in my life that i can't help but share them!


in may, i married my best friend. the past 8 months have been full of love, happiness, stress, bills, laundry, meal planning, lots of cleaning, cooking, budgeting, crafting, homemaking, hectic schedules, and more joy than i could have ever planned for. being married to a man that seeks the Lord daily while striving to provide for me, protect me, and lead me, is truly an honor. i so treasure our morning devotions and times of prayer together and i think one of the most important things that i have learned through it all is this:


marriage is a beautiful and sanctifying covenant relationship between a man and a women that can only be enjoyed to the fullest when the One who created it is at the center.

so since may, i have had the joy of being a wife and homemaker and i love every day of it. i love cooking and cleaning and organizing. and  i love having a sweet little apartment to decorate and call "our home."

(more pictures here)

Mr. has been super busy as well. he is currently in his last year of undergrad at liberty. he's doing everything online so that he is able to take classes, work full time for j.crew and serve at our church. (he really is amazing!) if all goes as planned, he will finish up this summer and start seminary in the fall. we're still praying about which seminary that will be, but he's hoping to do everything online for that as well so that we are able to stay in virginia. 


we really do love it here! God has blessed us with the most amazing christian friends and a wonderful church. we both have full-time jobs, food on the table, and a roof over our heads. we have so much to be thankful for and everyday i am reminded that,


God is faithful to meet our every need. He is loving, just, forgiving, full of grace and mercy. He is sovereign over all things and He constantly sustains us. 


what a great & mighty God we serve! 

3 - chosen & joyful!

Kasey and I recently watched the move 'Letters to God.' If you've never seen it, you need to! It totally changed my perspective on my life and how I view the path that God has given me/us to follow. 

Those of you who are closest to us, know that when it comes to moving forward with OUR plans to get married in December, nothing has been working out. It has been really discouraging to both of us as none of OUR plans seem to be working out. I, personally, have been struggling lately with the fact that God's plan for us, might not include the New Year's Eve wedding that I have set my little heart on. I just can't grasp why God is not allowing things to work our for us. After many interviews and not a lot of straight answers, Kasey is still looking for a job. When we finally found the perfect venue that we though was withing our price range, we sat down to calculate the total cost and realized that the tax & tip on just the food, would be over $1000! With the small budget that we have, that is just not do-able. Even down to the smallest detail of going to try on wedding dresses and having my car not start, it seemed as though God really did not want us to move forward with December 31st.  I have spent the past month playing tug-of-war with God over letting go of our perfect little New Year's Eve wedding. It has been full of stress, hardships, and many many tears. And quite frankly, miserable! It has taken me a month to figure out that playing tug-of-war with God is never easy and you will always loose so you might as well just hand it over to Him to begin with. It will make things much easier and you will be filled with more joy than you could ever imagine! Because His plan is ALWAYS bigger and better than ours. 

It was only after watching the movie, 'Letters to God,' that I came to this place of being able to give our wedding plans back to God. (They were His to begin with, but in my selfishness, I took them and tried to hold on for dear life!) In the movie, the main character is a little boy who battles with cancer. With the help of his elderly neighbor friend, He gains the perspective that God has CHOSEN him to be one of His mighty warriors.  From that moment on, He lives his life as an adventure for God in which he has the privilege of sharing God's love with others and winning them over for the King.  

It was then that I realized that God has chosen Kasey and I to be in the place that we are right now. He has chosen us to have a longer engagement. He has chosen us to go through this trying time. But most exciting, He has CHOSEN us to save from the wrath that we very much deserve! And He has CHOSEN us to be his followers! In that, there is no greater joy! I may find happiness in getting married on New Year's Eve, but ultimately, its only one day and IT will come to an end.  And I know that I will find happiness in marrying Kasey, but ultimately, things will get tough, we will fight, and I won't always be happy. However, knowing that God has CHOSEN us to go through good times and bad, all for HIS glory, brings a joy that is greater than any earthly thing. Knowing that in HIM, we find our peace and our strength, is more comfort and joy than any amount of happiness could ever bring us. And knowing that He has CHOSEN us to be mighty warriors and fight for His kingdom, brings the greatest joy of all!!! 

I realized, with the help of Kasey, that I was searching for happiness in our wedding, the planning, our upcoming marriage, and even in him, but I was missing out on the JOY of our King because my focus was all wrong. 

At this very moment, we don't know what our wedding day will look like, where it will be, or even when it will be, but I do know this: 

Happiness is fleeting, but the joy found ONLY in Christ will last forever!

Psalm 16:11 - You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

2 - to my ♥

One year ago, on August 19, 2009, Kasey popped the question and I said yes. Thus began our adventure as an engaged couple. As I look at how far we've come (and how far we have to go) I wanted to take a moment to share my heart with my best friend and the love of my life.

To my love,

As we celebrated a milestone in our relationship today, I just wanted to take a moment to stop and thank you for a year filled with happiness and more love than I could have ever dreamed. When God placed you in my life, I had no idea what He had in store for the future. I love looking back on our year spent together as an engaged couple and remembering all our crazy, outlandish, funny, amazing, and unforgettable time spent together. Your laid-back, care-free personality keeps me sane and helps me focus on the things in life that really matter. Your kind, giving, and selfless heart for serving others has brought me so much joy and happiness and I have been blessed many times by your servant's heart. Your love for me has overwhelmed me and made me realize just how incredibly blessed I am to have a soon-to-be husband that loves and honors me above all else. And most importantly, Your love and passion for the Lord has led me and guided me through hardships and tears. It has changed my heart and my perspective on many things and led me through the storms of life when I couldn't do it alone. I am so proud of the man that have been and continue to be as we prepare for our adventure as husband and wife. I cannot imagine doing this with anyone else but you and I am honored, grateful, blessed, and so excited that I get to spend the rest of my life, hand-in-hand, side-by-side with such an amazing Godly man. I know that your arms will protect me, your heart will guide me, and your love will carry me, forever and always.

All my love, 
Katie 

1 - blessed beyond measure.

Only 5 months to go until our adventure as husband and wife begins! And looking back, I can hardly believe that it's almost been a year since that unforgettable August night that I said "Yes." I can still see his face as he got down on one knee and told me that He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then he placed that shiny little ring on my finger and the past 11 months and 25 days have been nothing short of an incredible adventure with my best friend and the love of my life. The days have been filled with blessings, hardships, tears, laughter, lessons learned and memories that I'll cherish forever! God has taken us through valleys and over mountains. He has given us storms and sunny days. And looking back, I wouldn't change a thing! God has most certainty blessed me more than I ever deserve! He has placed in my life an incredible Godly man who has stuck by my side through thick and thin, loves me more than I deserve, and has led me to a whole new level in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I am so looking forward to the day that our adventure as Mr. & Mrs. Kasey Horvath begins! 

8/19/2009